In the past five or so years, I think since starting medical school really, my faith in Jesus and in God has wained. I have found more excuses to avoid going to church, I have put my trust in myself and other places instead of in God. I have become judgmental of those who frivolously give their trust to a story that although beautiful in its execution, right now is still just a story to me.
The world is a scary place right now. With talk of nuclear power and possibly warheads coming to Iran with Israel and possibly the US trying to get in the way of that venture. With people losing their homes to foreclosure and the US losing it's entire manufacturing base to places like Mexico or China. With murder and killing rates being elevated in the city of Detroit. With mass shootings in Aurora and bombings at the US Embassy of Libya. With Russia jockeying for power by controlling much of the worlds fuel resources. With North Korea and China, Japan and others trying to display their rights to the Pacific ocean. With mothers who have to drive their kids to school who once upon a time would have walked because they have fear that someone might harm them. With all of the hand sanitizers and CDC or WHO releases on what next big epidemic is coming. We live in a world of fear right now.
It is strange I find myself questioning God's presence during this time, because it always seems that folks are more faithful during times of trial than times of prosperity. It is these times that we realize our inability to manage our lives and the world by ourselves.
During my freshman year of college my faith was strong. I had been diagnosed with a unpredictable tumor and my dad had suddenly passed away of a heart attack. My faith was so strong at that time I had an ichthus fish tattooed on my ankle to remind myself that if God could get me through those two hardships, God could get me through anything. Unfortunately that ankle was also the one I lost to amputation six years later, so I no longer have that tattoo as a reminder of my faith and what God has done for me in the past.
I have recently been reading the book by Don Miller, Blue Like Jazz. I had hesitated reading this book many times as I didn't want to be one of THOSE kinds of christians. It seemed like the predictable thing to do. I had seen him speak once at a combination concert with Derek Webb. I didn't buy the book then because I was judging the type of church that hosted the event. I somehow thought of myself as more authentic because I didn't worship in a large warehouse type building out in a cornfield in Midland or Saginaw or wherever it was, with people that dressed like Adam Hamilton or wore glasses like Rob Bell. It was hubris on my part. After starting to read this book I have been humbled to find how many things I have to learn; from people like Don Miller, or Rob Bell or whoever I have judged to be less authentic then myself.
Don Miller talks about a moment when he was being taught a lesson. He was asked by a friend about what he could pray for him. Don mentioned all of the friends and other worldly problems that he wanted to pray for but didn't mention anything about his own life. When the friend presses him about something in his own life, he says something to the effect that his life is going pretty good and didn't really need any prayers right then. The friend rebutted that no one is above the grace of God.
This was a strong lesson for me to learn as well. Right now, although life is going okay, I need the grace of God more than ever. I need it because of my judgement of others whose faith has surpassed mine. I need it so that as I am here, questioning and doubting God, I can somehow find my way back to faith. It is hard to get off this pedestal of mine and really examine what in my life needs grace. But by doing just that I am one step closer to God. I am no less or more deserving than the homeless man who stands on my way home from work, or the teenager at the box church who raises their hands to praise God in a predictable way. No one is above the grace of God. Its a good thing we cannot do or say anything to earn the grace of God because it seems like for a while now, I have been rejecting it.
I have yet to get back to a place of true faith, the place where I was in College or even prior to that. But I am inching my way. Luckily, although I have abandoned God for a time, God has never left me. As I think about the future and the possibility of bringing children into this world, it scares me. Because who knows what the next fifty to 100 years will bring. But I hope that before that happens I can come to a place of faith, and humble myself enough to realize that many things are out of my control. I just need to have enough faith in God that there will be something better for our children, and that as a disciple of Jesus Christ I am vetted with the task of helping make that so. And I am no more suited to do that than the next guy, because Box church or cardboard box, not one of us is above the grace of God.
The world is a scary place right now. With talk of nuclear power and possibly warheads coming to Iran with Israel and possibly the US trying to get in the way of that venture. With people losing their homes to foreclosure and the US losing it's entire manufacturing base to places like Mexico or China. With murder and killing rates being elevated in the city of Detroit. With mass shootings in Aurora and bombings at the US Embassy of Libya. With Russia jockeying for power by controlling much of the worlds fuel resources. With North Korea and China, Japan and others trying to display their rights to the Pacific ocean. With mothers who have to drive their kids to school who once upon a time would have walked because they have fear that someone might harm them. With all of the hand sanitizers and CDC or WHO releases on what next big epidemic is coming. We live in a world of fear right now.
It is strange I find myself questioning God's presence during this time, because it always seems that folks are more faithful during times of trial than times of prosperity. It is these times that we realize our inability to manage our lives and the world by ourselves.
During my freshman year of college my faith was strong. I had been diagnosed with a unpredictable tumor and my dad had suddenly passed away of a heart attack. My faith was so strong at that time I had an ichthus fish tattooed on my ankle to remind myself that if God could get me through those two hardships, God could get me through anything. Unfortunately that ankle was also the one I lost to amputation six years later, so I no longer have that tattoo as a reminder of my faith and what God has done for me in the past.
I have recently been reading the book by Don Miller, Blue Like Jazz. I had hesitated reading this book many times as I didn't want to be one of THOSE kinds of christians. It seemed like the predictable thing to do. I had seen him speak once at a combination concert with Derek Webb. I didn't buy the book then because I was judging the type of church that hosted the event. I somehow thought of myself as more authentic because I didn't worship in a large warehouse type building out in a cornfield in Midland or Saginaw or wherever it was, with people that dressed like Adam Hamilton or wore glasses like Rob Bell. It was hubris on my part. After starting to read this book I have been humbled to find how many things I have to learn; from people like Don Miller, or Rob Bell or whoever I have judged to be less authentic then myself.
Don Miller talks about a moment when he was being taught a lesson. He was asked by a friend about what he could pray for him. Don mentioned all of the friends and other worldly problems that he wanted to pray for but didn't mention anything about his own life. When the friend presses him about something in his own life, he says something to the effect that his life is going pretty good and didn't really need any prayers right then. The friend rebutted that no one is above the grace of God.
This was a strong lesson for me to learn as well. Right now, although life is going okay, I need the grace of God more than ever. I need it because of my judgement of others whose faith has surpassed mine. I need it so that as I am here, questioning and doubting God, I can somehow find my way back to faith. It is hard to get off this pedestal of mine and really examine what in my life needs grace. But by doing just that I am one step closer to God. I am no less or more deserving than the homeless man who stands on my way home from work, or the teenager at the box church who raises their hands to praise God in a predictable way. No one is above the grace of God. Its a good thing we cannot do or say anything to earn the grace of God because it seems like for a while now, I have been rejecting it.
I have yet to get back to a place of true faith, the place where I was in College or even prior to that. But I am inching my way. Luckily, although I have abandoned God for a time, God has never left me. As I think about the future and the possibility of bringing children into this world, it scares me. Because who knows what the next fifty to 100 years will bring. But I hope that before that happens I can come to a place of faith, and humble myself enough to realize that many things are out of my control. I just need to have enough faith in God that there will be something better for our children, and that as a disciple of Jesus Christ I am vetted with the task of helping make that so. And I am no more suited to do that than the next guy, because Box church or cardboard box, not one of us is above the grace of God.
Hey Anna. Thanks for you honesty. I can relate with a lot of what you've written here and appreciate the reminder that grace is for everyone and needed by everyone. I am holding you in the light as you wrestle with some tough stuff.
ReplyDeleteWhat an honest and gutsy post - just like you! It's so hard not to judge people you can only assume are judging you, especially in the church! I think the contrast, but also the similarities between the three churches we have been part of has given me lots of opportunities to see the how the grace of God is needed, and offered, everywhere to everyone. But its still hard!! Thanks for sharing.
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